If I only knew then what I know now, I could have saved myself from so much pain. I was so desperate for love that I gave myself totally to a man who said he love me. Hearing him tell me he loved me blew my mind. I couldn’t see past the words “I love you”. He had relationships with other women, and even slept with one of them in our bed. When I confronted him, he said that I was the only woman for him, and he loved only me. With that said I surrendered, there was nothing left to talk about. An excerpt from Chapter 2 of The Struggle of Love:
Just when I thought I was getting over the lies Tim told me about being with Kathy, I found out that he had a four month old daughter by a another woman named Tracy. When I played it back in my head and did the math, it was obvious that she got pregnant when he was with me. I asked Tim about this woman having his child he said “when I slept with Tracy you and I weren’t even in love, we were just dating. We were not close like we are now. “Is it your child?” I asked. He snapped back, “No! I don’t know, and I don’t want to talk about it. I think she’s lying; she doesn’t know whose baby it is.” For some reason he didn’t want to continue talking about it. I loved him and even though Tim was probably lying to me again, a part of me still wanted to believe him. Tim said I was letting mess that I was hearing about him get the best of me, and he wanted me to stop listening to it because he loved me and no one could change that. He was so good at telling me what I wanted to hear, but his actions always said something else.
Monday night at the shelter was so touching. I really enjoyed sharing my story of abuse with the new ladies in transition. The beauty of it all is the women there related to each other’s situation. They understood there is no shame in what you have been through. You can let your hair down at “YOU TOO” meetings and share your story. When one resident in the meeting took the floor and revealed her abuse and suffering every woman listening felt her pain. I was speechless; just when you think you’ve got it bad someone else has it worse. But it is all under the same dark cloud of abuse.
Seeking professional help was the best remedy for me. It gave me hope and I learned the difference between love and lust. I also learned how to love myself. I accepted the reality that I was powerless to change my abuser; he had to change himself. After meeting with my Mental Health physician weekly I learned how to reach out to people and ask for help. It was ok to talk abut the pain caused by the abuser because I had done nothing wrong. Certainly, I made bad choices in life, but nothing justifies abuse. My abuser always made me feel guilty – he made me the bad guy. He also mentally abused my daughters to the point that I thought they would never overcome such issues.
I have made amends with my three daughters. I let them know I love them and asked for their forgiveness. I have explained and they understand that during that low point in my life I was a very sick woman. I was forced to look back to my childhood again to find out why I was so attracted to an abusive man. If I can understand and overcome that destructive time in my life others can also. It is worth the time, pain and effort to gain a new life with renewed dreams.